The Stock Theory

If you know me personally, or have been around me for any length of time, you may have been unfortunately subjected to my stock theory. So, what’s the stock theory? Well, it’s my way of explaining a certain phenomenon of dating kinetics between young men and women during the college years — especially in the Adventist pond. Did I discover it? Probably not. Am I the only one who’s noticed it? I guess we’ll find out. First off, let’s define stock.

Stock is basically best defined as what you have going for yourself. For all you engineers out there, it’s kind of like potential energy. Picture your stock as a bank account capable of being filled with value. So, directly translated, a person with high stock has a lot to offer. For the entering male freshmen, your stock is quite low. I don’t care if you think you are the cat’s pajamas; you’re far from completing your degree, you’re probably not making much money and, when it comes to the college birds, they can easily twist your ear making you go in any direction they please. On the other hand, the entering female freshmen start off with high stock. So what makes the fairer sex any different? Well shoot, son, they have all the power! The alluring feminine form, in itself, is enough of a reason. The equation looks like this: Man, who has low stock, seeks beautiful woman earnestly, ultimately giving her high stock.

Gradually though, things start to change. That girl, who was initially just interested in mere surface traits in men (humor, good looks, spontaneity), starts to figure things out after she has “traveled the world” and “seen all there is to see.” She then starts to look for traits like generosity, humility, and loyalty — traits that would make a good father. You see, she’s starting to notice that her biological clock isn’t ticking any slower. By now, that guy who used to be a low stocker has increased his stock. The girl, who is now a senior in college, starts to understand that her mate selection will diminish greatly upon graduating. And believe me, as Adventists, we’re exceedingly picky. So, here it is that the phenomenon occurs. There is a “stock swap”, and before you know it, the man has all the power in the world, mainly because of biological reasons.

Alright, before you come hunt me down for offending you, let me remind you that I just shared a theory. Is it true? I don’t know. You tell me.