Facebook faux pas

Since we’re all slaves to the book of face, I thought it would be good to share some of the things about this media monster that make me cringe. What do you get when you combine facebook and etiquette? That’s easy; Emily Post on steroids. If you find yourself guilty with any of the following, remove yourself from society, find yourself a corner in an abandoned building and shrivel up into a pile of dust. OK, that’s a bit harsh. Just stop. Now.

#1. The Tool Shot: I went over this one before, but it always needs some reiterating. You taking a half-naked picture of yourself in a bathroom isn’t that classy, Mr. full-of-yourself, sassy pants. Please make up for all your sinning by taking a picture of yourself wearing a long-sleeved, collared dress with pantaloons.
#2. Liking your own status: We know you like it dummy, that’s why you posted it!
#3. The “frien-vy” add: Basically this is my clever way of saying the following: You’re friends with a girl, but some other dude who’s into the same girl finds out about your friendship and adds you on facebook. Do you know the guy? Hardly. Ladies, this works the other way around.
#4. Checking in: This really is the dumbest/most useless thing since the conception of “Grey’s Anatomy.” Oh, you’re at the Whitman Library studying? Well, how cool is that! Guess what, I’m studying at my house! Put that in your smipe and poke it.
#5. The “Adopted family”: I know, I know. It’s really cute that you’ve added your “besties” as your sisters and brothers to your family column. Congratulations, now we all think you have adopted family members. But that’s the whole point, right? Grrr …
#6. Farmville requests: Hey you! Do you want to help me grow some cabbages and other tasty vegetables in a virtual reality that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever? Sure, why not! What the heck??? Why don’t you leave me alone and grow a flippin’ life! I hope whoever got rich off of Farmville gets plagued by a famine.

Be excellent to each other!

I’ve recently stumbled across another profound idea. You want to hear it, right? Well, I’m going to tell it to you anyway, and it’s this: life is like a box of chocolates. What? You’ve already heard that one? Well, shoot. OK, I’m just playing. Actually, it’s this: life is like a juggler, juggling a box of chocolates. Hmm, how about ten boxes of chocolates? … Never mind, let’s just step away from chocolates.

Let’s just go with this: we’re university students, and we juggle things. These things come in a variety of forms: your mom’s birthday, tests, a night of studying, even your high school girlfriend. And because we’re human, once in a while we drop the things we juggle. And let me tell you, some of the things we juggle hate being dropped (like your professors).

A friend of mine hit me with a piece of wisdom this week that relates to this, and I liked it so much I’m going to share it with you (maybe you’ve heard of it). She said, “You can make everyone happy some of the time and you can make some of the people happy all of the time, but you can’t make everyone happy all of the time.”

Why can’t we make everyone happy all the time? Dang it! What’s wrong with us? Sometimes … sometimes I just wish people were more excellent to each other.

Maybe then there wouldn’t be any mean people.

Five reasons why WWU is not too shabby

Yes, Alumni Weekend is coming up. With that being said, I thought my anecdote should be extra positive (just in case some alumnus happens to thumb through my page). Alumni: please, read on, but in exchange, why don’t you remove that tarp already? You know, the one covering Jesus? Haven’t you ever heard of the song “This Little Light of Mine?” “Hide it under a bushel, oh no …” Yeah, you get the point.

#1. WWU has an awesome student government. In comparison to other SDA universities, we have a considerable amount of freedom in what we say and do. Remember the Censorship Wars? Well, we didn’t get what we wanted, but we managed to throw a wrench in the administration’s gears for at least a few months. True, private universities have all the power in the world to behave as dictatorships, but this one is not too shabby.
#2. WWU has an awesome newspaper. And with that I mean, The Collegian. Don’t believe me? Read other school newspapers and then we’ll have a chat.
#3. WWU has a dang good music scene. We can have a serene, beautiful, Friday night program, and then get loud and obnoxious with events like Battle of the Bands and Spring Jam. The variety is delicious. Artistic expression is highly valued at this school.
#4. WWU has big hearts. We recently switched our fundraising cause to Davis Elementary. Have you heard how much we’ve already raised? Rumor has it we’re doing pretty well.
#5. In the liberal-conservative spectrum of mucky, Adventist politics, WWU is fairly well-balanced. True, we do send missionaries to PUC and LSU, but we don’t promote Club Church by making everyone wear a suit and tie to vespers. Like one school …. ahem.
OK, fine, and #6. The ladies at this school are pretty good-looking. Must be all those Canadians …

Brendan’s picks: the best of YouTube

I’ve wanted to do this for a while now. I know it’s a bit unorthodox in regards to my usual anecdotal prose, but I thought we all could afford to indulge ourselves with a bit of laughter. Here it is: my favorite YouTube videos of all time.

#10 Dramatic Chipmunk & Sneezing Panda (search: dramatic chipmunk & sneezing panda original)
These two videos are like snacking on potato chips; you can’t watch them just once.
#9 Trololo Man (search: trololo sing along)
At first you won’t be able to stand it, but I guarantee you’ll be doing the “trololo” in the shower the next day.
#8 N64 Kid (search: nintendo 64 kid remix)
We love it because we’ve all been there; going ape over our first N64. Hello Super Smash!
#7 Average Homeboy (search: average homeboy)
It’s revenge of the middle-class white rapper!
#6 Guilty Dog (search: denver guilty dog)
I’m a total dog lover. The music in the background is perfect. And the owner’s accent is the best. “You’re in the penalty box!”
#5 My Hands are Bananas (search: my hands are bananas)
This music video alone could solve all the mysteries of the universe.
#4 Bed Intruder (search: bed intruder original)
Hide your kids, hide your wife …
#3 “Happy” Weatherman (search: weatherman vs. cockroach)
While we’re on the subject of weather, look up news bloopers.
#2 O Holy Night (search: worst o holy night)
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
#1 Double Rainbow (search: double rainbow original)
If you don’t find this funny, then there’s something wrong with you.

WWMD (what would MacGyver do?)

So, as you probably heard, I got fired last week. To make a long story short, the whole Collegian office went on strike, which almost ended up bringing down the entire ASWWU body, so, in an effort to restore order, President McVay allowed me my job back – if I so chose. Let’s face it. I’m kind of a big deal, which could probably explain why you just turned to my page first.

On my way back to the Olympic Peninsula over spring break, I fell victim to one of the worst things that could happen on any road trip; I locked my keys in my Chevy Blazer. To put it bluntly, I was screwed. Here I was, stranded in the middle of the Cascades at a tiny pit stop known as Easton, which comprised of one Shell gas station, some hairy mountain men and a couple log cabins. There I was, alone in the cold, shouting curses vehemently into the heavens. It was getting dark, and I still had to catch a ferry. I had to act quickly. Inside the gas station, I got a hold of a phone book. Only then did I realize that the nearest locksmith was roughly two hours away – and it was after business hours. It then dawned on me that I could be spending the night in one of those log cabins with a hairy mountain man.

I started to get mad. I realized what a helpless, insignificant human being I was. This compelled me to start thinking about what MacGyver or Jack Bauer would do in a situation like this. Suddenly, I was pumped with rage. I was refusing to admit defeat. Just like that, the powers of MacGyver entered into my body, and for the first time in my life, I was MacGyver. I started to search the station for anything I could use to break into my own car. My eyes rested on a couple of “Jiffy Pops.” Unraveling the wire from the aluminum foil, and fastening them together with duct tape, I made a crude wire hook. Racing against the setting sun, I wedged the homemade device down through the top of my window. After thirty minutes of sheer concentration, I was rewarded with a resounding “click.” I did it. I had broken into my own car. Win.

We human beings were made to survive. When aliens attack our cities, we destroy the mother ship. When zombies take over the Earth, we form colonies of resistance. When we get locked out of our cars, we get back in them. So, remember: Never give up, never surrender!

Really?!

When Bill Lenz approached me about taking over for Brendan for the remaining eight issues of the Collegian, something like this went through my head:

“Really, Brendan? Did you really have to print that inappropriate verbatim quote? I mean really. You embarrass me as a successor. Really. Because we all know that I never wrote anything that could have gotten me fired. I was an angel. I mean, really. Have some respect for our paper.”

In addition, I was less than enthused about pulling out the old cynicism. “Do you know how many enemies I made last year?” I asked Bill. “Yes, I do,” he replied with a snicker. “Lots!” And it’s true. I’m still blacklisted at the U-Shop, Campus Sound workers turn my monitors off and anyone who has ever played FarmVille or used Axe deodorant shoots me a dirty look when I pass by. I’ve been paying for that stuff all year. I’m sorry, alright?! Really, I am! Okay, I’m not really that sorry. But then it dawned on me. I’ve got a pretty big store of pent-up annoyance to get rid of. This could help.

Which brings me to a little something I like to call, “Really?!” with Alban Howe.

Really, Brendan? You changed your facebook status from “single” to “engaged,” just so you could get in on the Engaged Couple’s Seminar? Really? Just because it’s scheduled on the Abundant Life Weekend doesn’t mean you’re going to have one by going. I mean, really.

This is me, being bad, again

I love social experiments. Really, I do. In fact, over Spring break, I plan to partake in one. That way, when I come back next quarter, we’ll be able to talk about it right here on this page. So, onto the delicious topic for this week:

CommUnity. Ah, what a lovely word. Eleven credits shalt thou obtain; he who fails receives the cane. Believe me, like everyone else, I’ve had my bouts with those good souls, the keepers of the credit. On Tuesday, I was bored. Really – I was. You may not know this, but if you go out into the lobby to talk on your cell phone, they’ll politely (and sometimes not so politely) tell you to stop (and c’mon, let’s be frank with ourselves, we all know everyone still calls “CommUnity” chapel). So, fifteen minutes into the show, I step into the lobby, pull out my phone, and pretend to talk. As a social experiment nerd, I can’t wait for what happens next. As I observe those laborers of love with keen interest, I spy one usher who notices me. No doubt wishing I didn’t exist, and hoping to avoid all sorts of conflict, she timidly approaches me and awkwardly tells me to get off of my phone. Bam. Just like that. I stop, look at her, and reply, “Well, actually, I have all my credits.” Finis. She’s satisfied. She leaves. I’m thoroughly entertained. Good deal.

First off, I think all the ushers should get a copy of “Emily Post’s Book of Etiquette” and concentrate especially hard on the section dealing with phones. Secondly, I want to know why married couples get to skip out on chapel, and don’t tell me they’re able to get their “CommUnity” on at a different time and place. That’s not a legitimate reason (next time they tell me to get off of my phone, I’ll just say, “Leave me alone, I’m married”). Lastly, I’m going to leave you with this stick of dynamite. What would Jesus do? Yeah, that’s right. I just pulled the God card. I can see it now. I’m listening to the Sermon on the Mount, and Jesus comes up to me and tells me to get off of my phone (Jesus can do two things at once). But, personally, I don’t see Jesus doing that. Especially when He knows I’m talking to my soon-to-be brother-in-law whose mother just died of cancer.

Seriously, guys? CommUnity credit? Can’t WWU do a little better than that? I want answers! Excuse me now while I go start an apology letter for the hundreds of people I just offended.