The grass is always greener on the other side

For my last issue, I thought it would be fun to wrap up all of my previous anecdotes into a mad ball of proverbial furry. WWU, thanks for being such a great entity to write for. I salute you. You have filled my heart with warm, cuddly feelings. So, here we go!

Don’t even think about hiding that ASWWU bike. Don’t get suckered into joining the Booster Club, you’ll never go to the games anyway. CPPD, what would we do without you? Oh yeah, not get pulled over. When life gets tough, never give up, and never surrender! Craigslist is not that bad. Don’t let college rob you of your inner child. When Communion rolls around, take more than one wafer; you only live once. Engineers, don’t worry about being single; your stock is going up. Ladies, your stock is going down. Cottage cheese is actually delicious and good for you. Tool shots are stupid and only for tools. We’re going to have to explain to our children what VHS cassettes were (weird). Gentlemen, don’t be afraid to ask that foxy lady out on a date; you’re in college now. Ladies, live a little and say yes. Treasure your embarrassing moments, for they are the moments in life that make it worth living. If you’re a Badventist, that’s OK, Jesus still loves you; just don’t ever make out on McVay’s desk. Chivalry is not dead. Be more creative. Always question authority. Don’t let mediocrity get the better of you – you have awesome potential. CommUnity needs some serious reformation (and getting married shouldn’t have to solve it). Take advantage of April Fools, especially if a lot of people read what you write. Human beings were made to survive – when you’re in a tight situation, win it like Charlie Sheen, MacGuyver and Chuck Norris combined. YouTube is awesome. WWU is way better than Southern or PUC. Be excellent to each other. Farmville is the devil’s playground. And finally, never, ever, put limitations on your imagination; for it is the transportation unit that propels you through life.

Love you guys,

Brendan Hay

It’s been a real pleasure …

Well, this is my second-to-last BackTalk. I’m going to be honest; I’m feeling bittersweet about the whole thing. I mean, it’s been a lot of fun writing for you Walla Wallians this year. To think it all has to come to an end is a little, well, sad? So, what am I going to write about with two more weeks to go? That’s right! Whatever the heck I want!!! I love my job 

Over the school year, I’ve become incredibly jealous about those who’ve been featured in answering my weekly questions (hey, you’re jealous that I never got around to asking you too, right?). Well, because I can, I asked my fellow Collegian staff to throw me some of their own questions. And guess what! I get to answer them! So, why am I doing this? Because I can! And also because I really don’t have anything else to write about …

How many times have you had to apologize to McVay? What? C’mon! I’ve never had to apologize to McVay! I’ve been a good little WWU student. Honest …
How many dates do you go on in a week? Ryan Gratias, I would tell you, but honestly I lost count. That’s why I’ve employed your girlfriend to help me keep track. In a nutshell, I’ve decided that the number of ladies I wine and dine is somewhere close to how many digits the value pi has.
Are you this conceited in real life? No, I’m just “pi”winning.
Where have you seen the hairiest woman? I see her every morning when I get up and look in the mirror.
If you could travel back in time and meet yourself as a ten-year old kid, what advice would you give? To never take a Hunter’s Safety Course in the 6th grade (I still have yet to shoot a gun).
What’s the greatest atrocity anyone could commit? Diss on Michael Jackson. I don’t care if he was a weirdo. That guy was a genius!
What movie title best depicts your life? Probably a mix between The Rescuers Down Under and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Facebook faux pas

Since we’re all slaves to the book of face, I thought it would be good to share some of the things about this media monster that make me cringe. What do you get when you combine facebook and etiquette? That’s easy; Emily Post on steroids. If you find yourself guilty with any of the following, remove yourself from society, find yourself a corner in an abandoned building and shrivel up into a pile of dust. OK, that’s a bit harsh. Just stop. Now.

#1. The Tool Shot: I went over this one before, but it always needs some reiterating. You taking a half-naked picture of yourself in a bathroom isn’t that classy, Mr. full-of-yourself, sassy pants. Please make up for all your sinning by taking a picture of yourself wearing a long-sleeved, collared dress with pantaloons.
#2. Liking your own status: We know you like it dummy, that’s why you posted it!
#3. The “frien-vy” add: Basically this is my clever way of saying the following: You’re friends with a girl, but some other dude who’s into the same girl finds out about your friendship and adds you on facebook. Do you know the guy? Hardly. Ladies, this works the other way around.
#4. Checking in: This really is the dumbest/most useless thing since the conception of “Grey’s Anatomy.” Oh, you’re at the Whitman Library studying? Well, how cool is that! Guess what, I’m studying at my house! Put that in your smipe and poke it.
#5. The “Adopted family”: I know, I know. It’s really cute that you’ve added your “besties” as your sisters and brothers to your family column. Congratulations, now we all think you have adopted family members. But that’s the whole point, right? Grrr …
#6. Farmville requests: Hey you! Do you want to help me grow some cabbages and other tasty vegetables in a virtual reality that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever? Sure, why not! What the heck??? Why don’t you leave me alone and grow a flippin’ life! I hope whoever got rich off of Farmville gets plagued by a famine.

Be excellent to each other!

I’ve recently stumbled across another profound idea. You want to hear it, right? Well, I’m going to tell it to you anyway, and it’s this: life is like a box of chocolates. What? You’ve already heard that one? Well, shoot. OK, I’m just playing. Actually, it’s this: life is like a juggler, juggling a box of chocolates. Hmm, how about ten boxes of chocolates? … Never mind, let’s just step away from chocolates.

Let’s just go with this: we’re university students, and we juggle things. These things come in a variety of forms: your mom’s birthday, tests, a night of studying, even your high school girlfriend. And because we’re human, once in a while we drop the things we juggle. And let me tell you, some of the things we juggle hate being dropped (like your professors).

A friend of mine hit me with a piece of wisdom this week that relates to this, and I liked it so much I’m going to share it with you (maybe you’ve heard of it). She said, “You can make everyone happy some of the time and you can make some of the people happy all of the time, but you can’t make everyone happy all of the time.”

Why can’t we make everyone happy all the time? Dang it! What’s wrong with us? Sometimes … sometimes I just wish people were more excellent to each other.

Maybe then there wouldn’t be any mean people.

Five reasons why WWU is not too shabby

Yes, Alumni Weekend is coming up. With that being said, I thought my anecdote should be extra positive (just in case some alumnus happens to thumb through my page). Alumni: please, read on, but in exchange, why don’t you remove that tarp already? You know, the one covering Jesus? Haven’t you ever heard of the song “This Little Light of Mine?” “Hide it under a bushel, oh no …” Yeah, you get the point.

#1. WWU has an awesome student government. In comparison to other SDA universities, we have a considerable amount of freedom in what we say and do. Remember the Censorship Wars? Well, we didn’t get what we wanted, but we managed to throw a wrench in the administration’s gears for at least a few months. True, private universities have all the power in the world to behave as dictatorships, but this one is not too shabby.
#2. WWU has an awesome newspaper. And with that I mean, The Collegian. Don’t believe me? Read other school newspapers and then we’ll have a chat.
#3. WWU has a dang good music scene. We can have a serene, beautiful, Friday night program, and then get loud and obnoxious with events like Battle of the Bands and Spring Jam. The variety is delicious. Artistic expression is highly valued at this school.
#4. WWU has big hearts. We recently switched our fundraising cause to Davis Elementary. Have you heard how much we’ve already raised? Rumor has it we’re doing pretty well.
#5. In the liberal-conservative spectrum of mucky, Adventist politics, WWU is fairly well-balanced. True, we do send missionaries to PUC and LSU, but we don’t promote Club Church by making everyone wear a suit and tie to vespers. Like one school …. ahem.
OK, fine, and #6. The ladies at this school are pretty good-looking. Must be all those Canadians …

Brendan’s picks: the best of YouTube

I’ve wanted to do this for a while now. I know it’s a bit unorthodox in regards to my usual anecdotal prose, but I thought we all could afford to indulge ourselves with a bit of laughter. Here it is: my favorite YouTube videos of all time.

#10 Dramatic Chipmunk & Sneezing Panda (search: dramatic chipmunk & sneezing panda original)
These two videos are like snacking on potato chips; you can’t watch them just once.
#9 Trololo Man (search: trololo sing along)
At first you won’t be able to stand it, but I guarantee you’ll be doing the “trololo” in the shower the next day.
#8 N64 Kid (search: nintendo 64 kid remix)
We love it because we’ve all been there; going ape over our first N64. Hello Super Smash!
#7 Average Homeboy (search: average homeboy)
It’s revenge of the middle-class white rapper!
#6 Guilty Dog (search: denver guilty dog)
I’m a total dog lover. The music in the background is perfect. And the owner’s accent is the best. “You’re in the penalty box!”
#5 My Hands are Bananas (search: my hands are bananas)
This music video alone could solve all the mysteries of the universe.
#4 Bed Intruder (search: bed intruder original)
Hide your kids, hide your wife …
#3 “Happy” Weatherman (search: weatherman vs. cockroach)
While we’re on the subject of weather, look up news bloopers.
#2 O Holy Night (search: worst o holy night)
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
#1 Double Rainbow (search: double rainbow original)
If you don’t find this funny, then there’s something wrong with you.

WWMD (what would MacGyver do?)

So, as you probably heard, I got fired last week. To make a long story short, the whole Collegian office went on strike, which almost ended up bringing down the entire ASWWU body, so, in an effort to restore order, President McVay allowed me my job back – if I so chose. Let’s face it. I’m kind of a big deal, which could probably explain why you just turned to my page first.

On my way back to the Olympic Peninsula over spring break, I fell victim to one of the worst things that could happen on any road trip; I locked my keys in my Chevy Blazer. To put it bluntly, I was screwed. Here I was, stranded in the middle of the Cascades at a tiny pit stop known as Easton, which comprised of one Shell gas station, some hairy mountain men and a couple log cabins. There I was, alone in the cold, shouting curses vehemently into the heavens. It was getting dark, and I still had to catch a ferry. I had to act quickly. Inside the gas station, I got a hold of a phone book. Only then did I realize that the nearest locksmith was roughly two hours away – and it was after business hours. It then dawned on me that I could be spending the night in one of those log cabins with a hairy mountain man.

I started to get mad. I realized what a helpless, insignificant human being I was. This compelled me to start thinking about what MacGyver or Jack Bauer would do in a situation like this. Suddenly, I was pumped with rage. I was refusing to admit defeat. Just like that, the powers of MacGyver entered into my body, and for the first time in my life, I was MacGyver. I started to search the station for anything I could use to break into my own car. My eyes rested on a couple of “Jiffy Pops.” Unraveling the wire from the aluminum foil, and fastening them together with duct tape, I made a crude wire hook. Racing against the setting sun, I wedged the homemade device down through the top of my window. After thirty minutes of sheer concentration, I was rewarded with a resounding “click.” I did it. I had broken into my own car. Win.

We human beings were made to survive. When aliens attack our cities, we destroy the mother ship. When zombies take over the Earth, we form colonies of resistance. When we get locked out of our cars, we get back in them. So, remember: Never give up, never surrender!